life's been a mess.
i rly dunno what to expect anymore.
srsly, i thought i could live my life well.

it turns out tt as the days go by, i felt more miserable.
its never gonna be th same tt is killing me.
thr is a big part in me hoping he'll come back.
which clearly is, not.
& its a big no.

i still cant take th fact he cherish his friends more.
alot more.

i knw thr's no turning back.
it will nvr be th same, i knw
somehow i hope he'll come back for me and i'll have th courage to reject.
look into his eyes, say it like it pierces his heart,
that i dont love you anymore.
not ever again.
i hope i can make him miserable like how he did to me.

but i'll nv get th chance again.
im pretty sure he has forgotten about me.
about us.

idk why.
i thought this was what i wanted.
i think of him as boring, i wanted an end to it.
but thn i realise im th weak bitch.
i nearly couldnt live life thraft.

i thought of ending my life.
yes i am stubborn, yet weak.
i knw how stupid it is to say i wanna end my life blah..
but whn i rch a point whr i dont find reasons to stay alive,
this look th only way out for me.

nobody cant live without who.
i knew it clearly.
i just wanna give up.
just like this.

ppl ard me always in pairs.
i rly envy tt.
im jealous, rly jealoused.
because i once have it.
now its not coming back anymore.

i needed someone to be beside,
now who is thr?
none.

it might be unfair to say,
but i knw & i didnt blame anyone.
i didnt want my friends to think im sorry,
nor even pity me.

as far as i knw,
holding a funeral needs alot of money.
i need at least a few ks.
so im gonna earn thm, soon.

my parents brought me up, i cannot just die and leave thm to worry about th sum of money needed for funeral.
i gotta pay for my own.
and so many close friends who rly did cheered me up evry now and then,
they deserve sth better.
they dont deserve me.

so i probably have anthr 6 mths to do all thsese.
or maybe i shld wait till i celebrate my 21st.
or maybe not. this way i need more money to celebrate.

im gonna be thrifty in th mths coming.
no, its not a new yr resolution.
i dont need one.

hopefully, in th next few mths,
i can have th happiest ones.

我想我不會愛你, 让我寂寞寂寞就好. 因为分手是需要练习的, 习惯就好.
少了一个人沒關係, 因为累了. 退后又怎样, 我还是不懂.
多么希望看见两个人的荒岛, 可是你是错的人.
愛太痛, 没办法回到过去.

what is life?

just got home from blackshot-ing with MCS_
as usual, nth big. well, at least he accompanied me.
vice versa actually. appreciateds.

beginning to feel like thr's no point in living.
idk why. jobless, dropouts, breakup. nth goes well.
i am so useless, ppl out thr wants to stay alive i always have negative thoughts.
damn me! but i cant help feeling this way man.

festive seasons! & i have not a single feel for it.
this yr's xmas & new yr's gonna suck big time.
i still haven got over you, completely.
i wish i could, with a snap frm my fingers.
but sadly, big no.

youre an idiot.
give up so quickly & easily.
makes me feel like i really did waste my time & youth with you.
i dunno issit a good thg or bad.
you were th centre of my life.
now that youre gone what shld i look upon to?

i have amazing frends. i do love thm.
but you surpasses it. th love was of a total difference.
idk what language shld i say to you to make you understand.
actually i dont have to.
im quite determined to make you out of my life.

i get very upset whn i listened to songs tt fit us so so much.
heres one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aR1bxfqWvCE&feature=related

you'll not understand what i felt.
we were not meant to be in th first place.
maybe im th one who dont.

dead and gone

its been 3 days since we stopped all means of communications.
it appears to be like 3 decades alr.
i still do love you, th fact that im always disappointed, nv changes.

always on th similar-old issues.
it started with a small small test on you.
cant accompany gf on a sat night is no big deal.
but gf cant join you in your slackings with friends, is.

am i not impt?
for nearly 3 yrs. how many times have i spent th day out with your friends & you on a saturday?
out of that, how many days have i asked?
nv once thr's a initiative in asking, hey mind joining my friends & I?
i always do, always.

perhaps you dont like it.
well, why not? not that i nv ask b4.
you said youre fine with that.
and you nv thought of asking me?

not th first time i felt neglected.
i always say "nevermind' to myself.
this time is not all th same.
after all th postings on fb,
th ans i get frm you is,
"if you think i cant give you what you want, sorry about it. i'll not waste your time anymore"

if this is what you have to say, by all means.
you stopped calling, texting. im fine with it too.
it goes to show how much you really really have for me.

falling out of love isnt end of world,
its feeling grieved.
something is dead, nv will it come back.
never ever.


no matter how much i love you, sth is dead.
no matter what it'll all be diff.
i knw i will be v v v v upset.
but what can i do? what you can do, you didnt.
what more?

anw, we wouldnt be seeing each othr alr,
(evn though im thinking to return your stuffs esp your phone.),
i hope one day you'll understand why i left.

ladies night!

out with colleagues! not really tt awesome as i expected. see, told 'you' dont expect so much. but i miss nura the hen!

great chatting session at the end! but some stupid whine-kers have to spoil it. dont they knw they are disgusting to still be asking for numbers?

lucky san had it well wrapped up. "i need some sex luh" omg! and off we go. home sweet home! actually not really sweet. i miss tt boy alot man.

anyway, partying with jialing is still loves can. of course my gorgeous gfs are too! too bad. its either work the next day, or exams coming, or school, or worst--BF gets upset.

what nonsense eh. but i still love you guys all the same, just you knw its pretty disappointing at times. whr we dont share the same interest, esp my fav. hahaha. i really hope we can party like crazy one day. just one day agn will do!

im no jhj i cant make ppl attend like they do. im no miss popurella like jialing says. sometimes i feel im just as tiny like germs and ppl dont really give a damn bout me anymore. at work its like this.

really sickening, but i reckon i did sth to be "suffering" from this. cause i believes karma do bites.

i still do love everyone ard me, just not as much. and im learning not to expect much anymore. (:

Everyone, Everything changes.

Lifestyles have changes again though irregular sleeping modes remained the same.
Different environment; friends; colleagues.
Its nothing new, & who cares.

Seen changes in A, B, C, D and myself. I dont really fancy changes in life. That means I have to change accordingly, sometimes unwillingly. It can be good, or bad. When it gets worse, that's the time where something, someone you love will be gone.

The one you think know you best, eventually proves you wrong. At the end of the day they're not. Whereas those whom you think dont understand you much, are the ones knowing more than you expected.

Lesson learnt: Dont expect too much from anyone, they might end up giving you surprises.

Whatever I have in mind I will share with those whom I care; love. But I realise it is wrong to. I care and love them, but failed to realise they might not wanna hear what I wanna say. I started holding myself back, not to be too aggressive; outspoken. There are words better left unsaid. Because you dunno when its gonna hurt someone, or a relationship.
Pleasing everyone is too hard, yet pissing them off is a piece of cake. Nobody listens untill I say something wrong, literally.

Friendships, relationships. All takes forever to build, yet can be shattered so easily in seconds. Good thing is, so far not yet. I hope I will nv get a chance to experience it.

Many a times, I wanted to express myself so much. My opinions, thoughts, feelings. A lot of times, just by thinking what will happen makes me drop that thought off. At home, at work, with friends, with bf. Whatever. I believe most ppl out thr experienced this. The only different is maybe they didnt think as much like me. Fucking whine-ker.

If only I had choose to live freely, do some stupid things to see who will accept who I am and stay.

Fuck adult world. Everyone is starting to be selfish, too. If not they have always been like this. No real friends in the "working-world." Call me childish or inmatured. I'd rather be like that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY(S)!

Went out with JOL today! Initial plans were killed. Urghhh. Thought we can celebrate for val and hangout! ):

I cancel away so many plans just for tt and, sigh. I guess its good. We went for L4D2 with Wai, Jerlin and YC! whoohoo. We 3 pretty much feel like vomiting as we played 4 hrs str8. One word: SHAG! Till now I still have no idea what surprise Wai wanna give Jol. LOL! Anyway, wish them 2 happiness luh. I bet they will nv quarrel like how I did with LH. Who knows! Scarli Jol more fierce. kekeke

No regrets today, out with my gorgeous gf. Love her ttm! Though I have no present for her, I bet she'll be glad to have me. heheheheh.

For the next few days I guess I'll be working and nobody cares. ): But if I dont work I will have no income, no income I cant go anywhr! So, its good to be still working. Yay!

Next month I've got so much to do! Many debts to clear! hmm, hereby thanking all those who helped me throughout my bad times, I will never forget that!

Okay, I gotta go grab my red wine, sit one corner and relax. Yayness.

Lastly,
To my dear GFS, VALERIE SNG & JOLENE PAN!
And of course JHLee.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOL, and belated one to VAL & JH. Enjoy ttm and your friends loves you much! hehehehehe. LOVES!

wtf

I wanna find someone to talk to. Idk who to find at this hour. I wish you were there for me, as much as i had.

I knw there is no one to be blamed. Maybe this is just one of those usual whining. Maybe no one cares. Or no one wants to. What can they say? What can they do? Its just me.

Sometimes I just find something missing somewhere, and I cant help. Is it just the time-of-the-month thg?

updates!

Been on sm's music station. One word: Awesome! Though its strange to hear him speaking like tt, using proper mandarin.

Today he touches on emo stuffs. About life; fate, friends; relationships. I agree with him on the friends part, to a certain extent. He said friends aint the top priority on our list for life. It may have been now, definitely not in future. Next time we will have our own family. We will not always hang out like this. & who knows what will happen tmr. Everything, everyone, changes. No doubt.

Even now, I can see changes alr. There are always someone too busy for friends. Idk if its right to say this, they need time alone with their own spouse, partners.

I often wonder why cant we all just sit down with our partners and friends. Idk if anyone will mind. But tt's what i wished. wishes dont come true, do they?

Dont worry bout changes, we change all the time. We just got to get used to it and look on the bright side. Life's like this anyway. Im happy I still got a bunch of awesome friends. (:

Nobody is real

Utterly disappointed.

To the max.

I never thought things will turn out this way.

I've learnt never to trust people easily, again.

Bye Bye

This is for my people who just lost somebody,
Your best friend, you baby, your man or your lady.
Put your hand way up high, cause we will never say bye.
No no no. Mamas daddies sisters brothers friends & cousins,
this is for my people who lost their GRANDMOTHERS
Lift your head to the sky, cause we will never say BYE.

I was joking in the car with my sis, & we laughed hilariously.
Dad looked into the mirror & said,
"Ah ma passed away you guys can laugh till so happy hor"
I said not necessary people pass away must be sad & we cry.
Its a good thg for her actually.
She dont have to suffer alr!

When she is still around, rarely people visit her.
Like alone in the nursing home.
Though she may not rmb whats happening but that is kinda sad.
She became like this because
everyday in the nursing home staring into blanks.
Made her loose control of time,
of the world.

I wont deny when she is in there Im outside enjoying life.
Because it is the fact.
I kinda feel upset because I have never really accompany her.
Not at all. Despite our communications.
I just didnt do it.
If wanna say regret?
Everyhg is too late alr.

Shes gone.
Even if she happen to be still here I doubt anythg will change.
Everyone will continues to lead their lives.
It is only when they need to show face then they come out.
Just like today.

What for?
I do not want to pretend that I feel very upset.
The fact is Im abit happy for her.
Leaving this world, knowing she could join our long lost Grandpa.
Better than stuck in the nursing home.
Cant go anywhr.
& even if people visit her so what?
How long is one session?

Seriously, am i very sarcastic?
I think being ourselves is most impt.
Thats why I choose not to hide my feelings.
Want to laugh; laugh.
Want to joke; joke.
I dont have to sit down, face serious.
Wait for time to pass by.

Dad says this is call show face to people.
If not people think I disrespect.
It is true to what he says,
I want to do what; I do.
Didnt spare thoughts for others,
or care how people around me feels.

Maybe this is my weak point.
But I dare to say it is my strong point too.
Because I think Im more matured enough,
to accept setbacks.

My Shifu says we must generate positive energy.
No matter what you see, they are positive.
Because negative thought are like roots.
Once they get rooted, we find it hard to remove.
Sometimes it requires alot of enerygy to get it all out,
often we givup in getting them out,
& that made us worst.

I believe my own theory,
but people wont recognise.
We cant please everyone, right?

Loose up

So effing stressed, kinda dunno why.
I guessed the old feeling is back.
Keep coming one.

I wished I could turn back time.

& work like how I used to.

I fucking hate it right now.

Like Im being fooled or sth.

Lh says its temp measure.

Best if it is seriously.

If not I am not staying.

Any longer.

Keep telling myself dont givup no matter what.

But I realised I have been telling myself that for 2 yrs.

Kinda really cannot tahan esp

when Lh is no longer around with me

for the past 1/2 yr or so.

Without GC, WS.

not to mention the difference in fun.

The stress I have been facing,

god damn alone.

who really really cares when everyone is stressed up?

Fucking hate that halal.

really, to the core, to the max.

Just fuck off will they.

I guess not.

Fuck/

Tell me what do you see when you're looking at me.

Run For Hope

I did went for the run today.
Without sleep,
with felicia & terence.
plus some other colleagues.

When started, all I want is to complete the run,
without the need of stopping.
Because I know, after so long,
1 yr 10 months to be exact,
that I have not been doing any running,
A high possibilty that I might fiinish myelf there.

Without sleep, its really a torture,
the real torment is still have to finish 4km run.
I kinda saulute mysekf.
Being fat, I can still finish,
without stopping.
I AM CHAMPION!
Everyone are champions, though.

Fel wanted to PK me, wahha.
I quite confident I will win her cause,
she is those type who dont exercise,
those students who sit in the corner
chit chatting when everyone go for P.E lessons.
But, sadly at the last 1 m she ran past me la.
Though I can outrun the last min, but I didnt want to,
I am content enough because I can finish this 4km
plus Im so fat, plus without sleep.

Someone I have to salute thoroughly is Terence.
Same as me, he also didnt sleep.
He finish it at 15 mins,
a real runner.

To me, its not how good you say you're.
Its how well you convince people.
I dont have to say much to prove how good I am,
people judge & spread my goodness for me.
Though some may bad mouth,
but what matters are,
how well you can take it.
If you didnt, then why fret?
Be proud, because we know we are better
than those assholes!

There is no finish line if you forever
want to compete with people around you.
I take myself as a competitor.
This way I will know I have grown.
Maybe you have won,
but are those better than you?
"Dont pick on someone lousier, loser"

Addictive

Went clubbing last night with baby.
Before that went "supper" with zhenguang.
Actually is accompany him after our late dinner @ UE Square.

Last night Zirza was like empty.
Guess the reason because Poly students all schooling.
Pretty much boring, but we managed to entertain ourselves.
I drank Flaming Lambourghini & it was nice!

Now @ Iluma playing Pictionary with the staff.
They so funny & cute.
Drawing, guessing.
HAHA.

Guess Im so addicted to going clubbing liao la.
But always cant seem to find the right group of people.
Except Baby & My dearest GFs, JOL & TINE!

I miss them so much.
Tmr going to see them lo. But Im not teling whr,
in case got found out.
Wee.

shop shop

okay, today back at work again. tired !
still doing the submission.
i hate month ends! but somehow loved it.
the fact that im doing the payroll submission
indicates my salary coming !

then i can go shopping again!
that day= my offday..
i went shopping with lianhong.
i was never into heels.
till i tried on Zara's !
so comfy, & most important thing is pretty !
im not sure if i look good (which i seldom do),
but baby says its nice.
but i wonder if it was just say-say only.
but okay la, i trust him.

& i kinda want to buy!
omg, its 2oo bucks okay.
sound pretty crazy but,
i really liked it.
so comfy is the word la.

thinking & still thinking.
& i gotta also go down ion
some day on a weekday to
get some bras.
& also to topshop to find that
bangles i wanted so badly but
got it for someone else instead !

now no more liao, im pretty upset.
trying to go other topshops see have not.
okay, what more?
??
??

aiya, dont want to think anymore.
its getting so "late"
& i should be in bed alr !
working @ 3 ltr,
better turn in.


see ya !

MISSES

i miss so many people.
so many fun times.
so many beautiful memories.

I miss hanging out with JOL & TINE!!
OMG, much less clubbing with them.
i miss lianhong whom i have not met since tuesday!
okay, its wednesday? i dunno.

Things changed dramatically lot & i have no control over it.
why do i have to feel the changes?
why do i feel like giving up?
okay, i'll stop being emo.

i'll like to be more happy.
((:
tmr going to meet baby lo!
yeah.

& not forgetting my offday!
lalalala.

work is hectic, but still we gotta enjoy life right?
((:

Damn long didnt update siol.
kinda miss the feeling of complaining!

well,
life's been so bored.
working everyday.
chalet just finished.

not really fun.
dont even have enough food to eat.
(we have to tabao mac ourselves okay)
everything were like so messy!
okay la, i know not easy to plan a chalet for 8 outlets.
but seriously la, if you got 8 outlet people.
you think 3 bbq pit enough meh?

somemore focus on the wrong things.
stil do invitation card.
its nicely done, but what for?
important ones didnt took care.

i dunno la.
just didnt enjoy.
my staff went, didnt get a prize from lucky draw nvm.
some left with empty hands, and empty stomach.
what the hell.
that wasnt suppose to be.

bitching about her is not good at all/
but i really really cannot tahan.
i cannot take it.

hais.
full of fake people.

IM SO DEPRESSED?

I wish I didnt think too much.
I wish he could just love me more.

I bet you doesnt know how it feels.
& I guess you dosent have the power to
comprehend or understand many things.

Are we near the end of road?
Or perhaps its just another crossroad?
Should I turn right?
Left?
Or just keep walking straight? 

Maybe I should also wait for you.

Tell me what to do.

THANKS

Thank god for letting me off ytd.
I was deeply in pain, felt like end of world (myself actually)
It was like first time ever in my life that I get such excruciating "sensation".

But well, its over. 
Hopefully it will not come back.
Work has been hard.
Things that I thought will be good, not appreciated.
(I picked up from the drain)

Nevertheless,
I still think that I wouldnt be wrong.

I had done so much, putting team before self.
So am I stupid, or is it just one-sided affair?
People who did so much worst gets the trophy,
& polluting enviroment.
I simply dont understand why.

Sometimes things aint goin the nice way.

I pretty much love what I am, who I am, & what i do.
I couldnt care less, I will just twist my fingers & shut my eyes.
Have a good sleep. 
Whatever happens, is not going to be my damn problem.

I wish you guys all the best, nonetheless.

LOVE's birthday is just round the corners.
If it hadnt been for its 21st, I wouldnt bother SO MUCH,
AHA!
I really have no idea what to do except,
to keep asking the same qns over & over again.
Everyday.
s**ns 

As his birthday approaches,
our 15th months is there too!
I am glad, really.
to have him all this while.

He is my support, listener, & all this while my stress-reliever.
He made me know what is love. what is sacrifices.
What is gives & takes.
He made me cherishes so much.I wish we could be like many others.
For my parents didnt very much want to acknowledge the facts.
I didnt want to hide.
But why cant I show. 

Why is it that the word family is smeared?
I do not have a happy family.
Neither happy times outside with friends.
I do not have friends like i used to before already;
partly due to work & they are still unhappy.

But I do cherish what I have.
I did things which might made them happy.
But they didnt seem to notice.
Things that I've done was always ignored,
not to be mentioned.

I've started to hate my life, again.
If not for Love. ((:

Alright, my motive is to mention how much I LOVE YOU.
I miss you dearly too.

Live like life's gonna end any moment.

Super Duper.

Bored+Irritated+stressed+whatever!

Hadnt been updating lately due to bro's return. 
Not very happening as always. No school, only work.
What can happen except to be bullied by staff/guest, right?

Oh, FYI.

Iluma MFM is taking out all GST charge, including a 20% discount.
For DBS debit/credit cards holders, can even enjoy a free starter when purchased of $10. (Including GO! cards) Expiry dates? This May.

Been addicted to MJ recently.
Even though Im originally very addicted to it.
But lost more than I won. Damn right.Haha, poor skills. Lousy hands.
Maybe should try my feet.

I am feeling very normal now.
Maybe lazy,

of work. But ((: