life's been a mess.
i rly dunno what to expect anymore.
srsly, i thought i could live my life well.

it turns out tt as the days go by, i felt more miserable.
its never gonna be th same tt is killing me.
thr is a big part in me hoping he'll come back.
which clearly is, not.
& its a big no.

i still cant take th fact he cherish his friends more.
alot more.

i knw thr's no turning back.
it will nvr be th same, i knw
somehow i hope he'll come back for me and i'll have th courage to reject.
look into his eyes, say it like it pierces his heart,
that i dont love you anymore.
not ever again.
i hope i can make him miserable like how he did to me.

but i'll nv get th chance again.
im pretty sure he has forgotten about me.
about us.

idk why.
i thought this was what i wanted.
i think of him as boring, i wanted an end to it.
but thn i realise im th weak bitch.
i nearly couldnt live life thraft.

i thought of ending my life.
yes i am stubborn, yet weak.
i knw how stupid it is to say i wanna end my life blah..
but whn i rch a point whr i dont find reasons to stay alive,
this look th only way out for me.

nobody cant live without who.
i knew it clearly.
i just wanna give up.
just like this.

ppl ard me always in pairs.
i rly envy tt.
im jealous, rly jealoused.
because i once have it.
now its not coming back anymore.

i needed someone to be beside,
now who is thr?
none.

it might be unfair to say,
but i knw & i didnt blame anyone.
i didnt want my friends to think im sorry,
nor even pity me.

as far as i knw,
holding a funeral needs alot of money.
i need at least a few ks.
so im gonna earn thm, soon.

my parents brought me up, i cannot just die and leave thm to worry about th sum of money needed for funeral.
i gotta pay for my own.
and so many close friends who rly did cheered me up evry now and then,
they deserve sth better.
they dont deserve me.

so i probably have anthr 6 mths to do all thsese.
or maybe i shld wait till i celebrate my 21st.
or maybe not. this way i need more money to celebrate.

im gonna be thrifty in th mths coming.
no, its not a new yr resolution.
i dont need one.

hopefully, in th next few mths,
i can have th happiest ones.