life's been a mess.
i rly dunno what to expect anymore.
srsly, i thought i could live my life well.
it turns out tt as the days go by, i felt more miserable.
its never gonna be th same tt is killing me.
thr is a big part in me hoping he'll come back.
which clearly is, not.
& its a big no.
i still cant take th fact he cherish his friends more.
alot more.
i knw thr's no turning back.
it will nvr be th same, i knw
somehow i hope he'll come back for me and i'll have th courage to reject.
look into his eyes, say it like it pierces his heart,
that i dont love you anymore.
not ever again.
i hope i can make him miserable like how he did to me.
but i'll nv get th chance again.
im pretty sure he has forgotten about me.
about us.
idk why.
i thought this was what i wanted.
i think of him as boring, i wanted an end to it.
but thn i realise im th weak bitch.
i nearly couldnt live life thraft.
i thought of ending my life.
yes i am stubborn, yet weak.
i knw how stupid it is to say i wanna end my life blah..
but whn i rch a point whr i dont find reasons to stay alive,
this look th only way out for me.
nobody cant live without who.
i knew it clearly.
i just wanna give up.
just like this.
ppl ard me always in pairs.
i rly envy tt.
im jealous, rly jealoused.
because i once have it.
now its not coming back anymore.
i needed someone to be beside,
now who is thr?
none.
it might be unfair to say,
but i knw & i didnt blame anyone.
i didnt want my friends to think im sorry,
nor even pity me.
as far as i knw,
holding a funeral needs alot of money.
i need at least a few ks.
so im gonna earn thm, soon.
my parents brought me up, i cannot just die and leave thm to worry about th sum of money needed for funeral.
i gotta pay for my own.
and so many close friends who rly did cheered me up evry now and then,
they deserve sth better.
they dont deserve me.
so i probably have anthr 6 mths to do all thsese.
or maybe i shld wait till i celebrate my 21st.
or maybe not. this way i need more money to celebrate.
im gonna be thrifty in th mths coming.
no, its not a new yr resolution.
i dont need one.
hopefully, in th next few mths,
i can have th happiest ones.
Sunday 2 January 2011
Friday 31 December 2010
Friday 17 December 2010
what is life?
just got home from blackshot-ing with MCS_
as usual, nth big. well, at least he accompanied me.
vice versa actually. appreciateds.
beginning to feel like thr's no point in living.
idk why. jobless, dropouts, breakup. nth goes well.
i am so useless, ppl out thr wants to stay alive i always have negative thoughts.
damn me! but i cant help feeling this way man.
festive seasons! & i have not a single feel for it.
this yr's xmas & new yr's gonna suck big time.
i still haven got over you, completely.
i wish i could, with a snap frm my fingers.
but sadly, big no.
youre an idiot.
give up so quickly & easily.
makes me feel like i really did waste my time & youth with you.
i dunno issit a good thg or bad.
you were th centre of my life.
now that youre gone what shld i look upon to?
i have amazing frends. i do love thm.
but you surpasses it. th love was of a total difference.
idk what language shld i say to you to make you understand.
actually i dont have to.
im quite determined to make you out of my life.
i get very upset whn i listened to songs tt fit us so so much.
heres one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aR1bxfqWvCE&feature=related
you'll not understand what i felt.
we were not meant to be in th first place.
maybe im th one who dont.
as usual, nth big. well, at least he accompanied me.
vice versa actually. appreciateds.
beginning to feel like thr's no point in living.
idk why. jobless, dropouts, breakup. nth goes well.
i am so useless, ppl out thr wants to stay alive i always have negative thoughts.
damn me! but i cant help feeling this way man.
festive seasons! & i have not a single feel for it.
this yr's xmas & new yr's gonna suck big time.
i still haven got over you, completely.
i wish i could, with a snap frm my fingers.
but sadly, big no.
youre an idiot.
give up so quickly & easily.
makes me feel like i really did waste my time & youth with you.
i dunno issit a good thg or bad.
you were th centre of my life.
now that youre gone what shld i look upon to?
i have amazing frends. i do love thm.
but you surpasses it. th love was of a total difference.
idk what language shld i say to you to make you understand.
actually i dont have to.
im quite determined to make you out of my life.
i get very upset whn i listened to songs tt fit us so so much.
heres one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aR1bxfqWvCE&feature=related
you'll not understand what i felt.
we were not meant to be in th first place.
maybe im th one who dont.
Wednesday 15 December 2010
dead and gone
its been 3 days since we stopped all means of communications.
it appears to be like 3 decades alr.
i still do love you, th fact that im always disappointed, nv changes.
always on th similar-old issues.
it started with a small small test on you.
cant accompany gf on a sat night is no big deal.
but gf cant join you in your slackings with friends, is.
am i not impt?
for nearly 3 yrs. how many times have i spent th day out with your friends & you on a saturday?
out of that, how many days have i asked?
nv once thr's a initiative in asking, hey mind joining my friends & I?
i always do, always.
perhaps you dont like it.
well, why not? not that i nv ask b4.
you said youre fine with that.
and you nv thought of asking me?
not th first time i felt neglected.
i always say "nevermind' to myself.
this time is not all th same.
after all th postings on fb,
th ans i get frm you is,
"if you think i cant give you what you want, sorry about it. i'll not waste your time anymore"
if this is what you have to say, by all means.
you stopped calling, texting. im fine with it too.
it goes to show how much you really really have for me.
falling out of love isnt end of world,
its feeling grieved.
something is dead, nv will it come back.
never ever.
no matter how much i love you, sth is dead.
no matter what it'll all be diff.
i knw i will be v v v v upset.
but what can i do? what you can do, you didnt.
what more?
anw, we wouldnt be seeing each othr alr,
(evn though im thinking to return your stuffs esp your phone.),
i hope one day you'll understand why i left.
it appears to be like 3 decades alr.
i still do love you, th fact that im always disappointed, nv changes.
always on th similar-old issues.
it started with a small small test on you.
cant accompany gf on a sat night is no big deal.
but gf cant join you in your slackings with friends, is.
am i not impt?
for nearly 3 yrs. how many times have i spent th day out with your friends & you on a saturday?
out of that, how many days have i asked?
nv once thr's a initiative in asking, hey mind joining my friends & I?
i always do, always.
perhaps you dont like it.
well, why not? not that i nv ask b4.
you said youre fine with that.
and you nv thought of asking me?
not th first time i felt neglected.
i always say "nevermind' to myself.
this time is not all th same.
after all th postings on fb,
th ans i get frm you is,
"if you think i cant give you what you want, sorry about it. i'll not waste your time anymore"
if this is what you have to say, by all means.
you stopped calling, texting. im fine with it too.
it goes to show how much you really really have for me.
falling out of love isnt end of world,
its feeling grieved.
something is dead, nv will it come back.
never ever.
no matter how much i love you, sth is dead.
no matter what it'll all be diff.
i knw i will be v v v v upset.
but what can i do? what you can do, you didnt.
what more?
anw, we wouldnt be seeing each othr alr,
(evn though im thinking to return your stuffs esp your phone.),
i hope one day you'll understand why i left.
Thursday 14 October 2010
ladies night!
out with colleagues! not really tt awesome as i expected. see, told 'you' dont expect so much. but i miss nura the hen!
great chatting session at the end! but some stupid whine-kers have to spoil it. dont they knw they are disgusting to still be asking for numbers?
lucky san had it well wrapped up. "i need some sex luh" omg! and off we go. home sweet home! actually not really sweet. i miss tt boy alot man.
anyway, partying with jialing is still loves can. of course my gorgeous gfs are too! too bad. its either work the next day, or exams coming, or school, or worst--BF gets upset.
what nonsense eh. but i still love you guys all the same, just you knw its pretty disappointing at times. whr we dont share the same interest, esp my fav. hahaha. i really hope we can party like crazy one day. just one day agn will do!
im no jhj i cant make ppl attend like they do. im no miss popurella like jialing says. sometimes i feel im just as tiny like germs and ppl dont really give a damn bout me anymore. at work its like this.
really sickening, but i reckon i did sth to be "suffering" from this. cause i believes karma do bites.
i still do love everyone ard me, just not as much. and im learning not to expect much anymore. (:
Sunday 3 October 2010
Everyone, Everything changes.
Lifestyles have changes again though irregular sleeping modes remained the same.
Different environment; friends; colleagues.
Its nothing new, & who cares.
Seen changes in A, B, C, D and myself. I dont really fancy changes in life. That means I have to change accordingly, sometimes unwillingly. It can be good, or bad. When it gets worse, that's the time where something, someone you love will be gone.
The one you think know you best, eventually proves you wrong. At the end of the day they're not. Whereas those whom you think dont understand you much, are the ones knowing more than you expected.
Lesson learnt: Dont expect too much from anyone, they might end up giving you surprises.
Whatever I have in mind I will share with those whom I care; love. But I realise it is wrong to. I care and love them, but failed to realise they might not wanna hear what I wanna say. I started holding myself back, not to be too aggressive; outspoken. There are words better left unsaid. Because you dunno when its gonna hurt someone, or a relationship.
Pleasing everyone is too hard, yet pissing them off is a piece of cake. Nobody listens untill I say something wrong, literally.
Friendships, relationships. All takes forever to build, yet can be shattered so easily in seconds. Good thing is, so far not yet. I hope I will nv get a chance to experience it.
Many a times, I wanted to express myself so much. My opinions, thoughts, feelings. A lot of times, just by thinking what will happen makes me drop that thought off. At home, at work, with friends, with bf. Whatever. I believe most ppl out thr experienced this. The only different is maybe they didnt think as much like me. Fucking whine-ker.
If only I had choose to live freely, do some stupid things to see who will accept who I am and stay.
Fuck adult world. Everyone is starting to be selfish, too. If not they have always been like this. No real friends in the "working-world." Call me childish or inmatured. I'd rather be like that.
Different environment; friends; colleagues.
Its nothing new, & who cares.
Seen changes in A, B, C, D and myself. I dont really fancy changes in life. That means I have to change accordingly, sometimes unwillingly. It can be good, or bad. When it gets worse, that's the time where something, someone you love will be gone.
The one you think know you best, eventually proves you wrong. At the end of the day they're not. Whereas those whom you think dont understand you much, are the ones knowing more than you expected.
Lesson learnt: Dont expect too much from anyone, they might end up giving you surprises.
Whatever I have in mind I will share with those whom I care; love. But I realise it is wrong to. I care and love them, but failed to realise they might not wanna hear what I wanna say. I started holding myself back, not to be too aggressive; outspoken. There are words better left unsaid. Because you dunno when its gonna hurt someone, or a relationship.
Pleasing everyone is too hard, yet pissing them off is a piece of cake. Nobody listens untill I say something wrong, literally.
Friendships, relationships. All takes forever to build, yet can be shattered so easily in seconds. Good thing is, so far not yet. I hope I will nv get a chance to experience it.
Many a times, I wanted to express myself so much. My opinions, thoughts, feelings. A lot of times, just by thinking what will happen makes me drop that thought off. At home, at work, with friends, with bf. Whatever. I believe most ppl out thr experienced this. The only different is maybe they didnt think as much like me. Fucking whine-ker.
If only I had choose to live freely, do some stupid things to see who will accept who I am and stay.
Fuck adult world. Everyone is starting to be selfish, too. If not they have always been like this. No real friends in the "working-world." Call me childish or inmatured. I'd rather be like that.
Friday 1 October 2010
HAPPY BIRTHDAY(S)!
Went out with JOL today! Initial plans were killed. Urghhh. Thought we can celebrate for val and hangout! ):
I cancel away so many plans just for tt and, sigh. I guess its good. We went for L4D2 with Wai, Jerlin and YC! whoohoo. We 3 pretty much feel like vomiting as we played 4 hrs str8. One word: SHAG! Till now I still have no idea what surprise Wai wanna give Jol. LOL! Anyway, wish them 2 happiness luh. I bet they will nv quarrel like how I did with LH. Who knows! Scarli Jol more fierce. kekeke
No regrets today, out with my gorgeous gf. Love her ttm! Though I have no present for her, I bet she'll be glad to have me. heheheheh.
For the next few days I guess I'll be working and nobody cares. ): But if I dont work I will have no income, no income I cant go anywhr! So, its good to be still working. Yay!
Next month I've got so much to do! Many debts to clear! hmm, hereby thanking all those who helped me throughout my bad times, I will never forget that!
Okay, I gotta go grab my red wine, sit one corner and relax. Yayness.
Lastly,
To my dear GFS, VALERIE SNG & JOLENE PAN!
And of course JHLee.
I cancel away so many plans just for tt and, sigh. I guess its good. We went for L4D2 with Wai, Jerlin and YC! whoohoo. We 3 pretty much feel like vomiting as we played 4 hrs str8. One word: SHAG! Till now I still have no idea what surprise Wai wanna give Jol. LOL! Anyway, wish them 2 happiness luh. I bet they will nv quarrel like how I did with LH. Who knows! Scarli Jol more fierce. kekeke
No regrets today, out with my gorgeous gf. Love her ttm! Though I have no present for her, I bet she'll be glad to have me. heheheheh.
For the next few days I guess I'll be working and nobody cares. ): But if I dont work I will have no income, no income I cant go anywhr! So, its good to be still working. Yay!
Next month I've got so much to do! Many debts to clear! hmm, hereby thanking all those who helped me throughout my bad times, I will never forget that!
Okay, I gotta go grab my red wine, sit one corner and relax. Yayness.
Lastly,
To my dear GFS, VALERIE SNG & JOLENE PAN!
And of course JHLee.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOL, and belated one to VAL & JH. Enjoy ttm and your friends loves you much! hehehehehe. LOVES!
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